Banks Raise Fees on Same People Who Bailed Out Their Asses

Introduce New ‘Thank You’ Fee on Debit Cards

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The largest banks in the US made history today by hiking fees on the same people who bailed out their asses three years ago.

“We would not exist today without the generosity of the American taxpayers,” said CEO Brian Moynihan of Bank of America, which received billions of dollars of Federal bailout money.  “And we want to thank them by assessing a special monthly ‘thank you’ fee on all of our debit cards.”

Becoming emotional, Mr. Moynihan added, “We think of the taxpayers every time we vacation on our yachts or visit our third homes, and we want them to think of us every time they try to spend $20 on groceries.”

Mr. Moynihan said that even after paying the  new $5 monthly fee, "American taxpayers should still have enough money left over to let them eat cake."

In other news, CNN announced today that it plans to start covering the mass protests on Wall Street in lower Manhattan “as soon as the Michael Jackson trial is over.”

And Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry today blasted President Obama’s decision to kill a terrorist in Yemen: “There are plenty of perfectly good people to execute right here in America.”

Poll: In Head-to-Head Matchup, Obama Who Ran in 2008 Would Trounce Current Obama

Popularity of Old Obama Spells Trouble for New One

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – According to a new poll of likely Democratic voters, if a primary contest were held today between the Barack Obama who ran for President in 2008 and the current Obama, the Old Obama would beat the New Obama by a margin of three to one.

While the numbers reflect the enduring popularity of the 2008 Obama, they spell big trouble for the 2011 Obama, who is seeking reelection in 2012.

Most troubling for the President, a significant number of voters -- nearly twenty-five percent -- no longer believe that the 2008 Obama and the current Obama are the same person.

At the White House, press secretary Jay Carney attempted to silence the skepticism of the so-called “Differenters,” the growing movement of people who believe that the 2008 Obama and the current one are two completely different men.

“The President has said that he is willing to submit to a DNA test and he will be releasing a Certificate of Authenticity later this week,” Mr. Carney said.  “Beyond that, we’re just going to have to take his word for it.”

In other political news, Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that he would participate in future Republican debates only if they were “open book.”

At a rally in South Carolina, Gov. Perry explained why he was uniquely qualified to be President: “The way I understand it, the main job of the executive branch is executing people.”

Pat Robertson Says Falling Satellite Means God Thinks Satellites are Gay

Warns NASA Against Launching Future Gay Objects

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) – Evangelist Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today’s broadcast of his 700 Club program by saying that the NASA satellite that plummeted to Earth did so “because God thinks satellites are gay.”

“We have to remember that the heavens are where God lives,” Rev. Robertson said during the broadcast.  “If we launch something into outer space that God thinks is gay, He’s going to kick it right back to us.”

Mr. Robertson offered little evidence as to why God might think the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite was gay, but said, “It does have, I believe, a big telescope sticking out of it and I can see why God would not want that in His face.”

He added that the falling satellite “should serve as a warning to NASA not to launch other gay objects into space.”

The televangelist’s remarks were abruptly cut short when a large piece of metal debris crashed through the roof of his television studio and landed squarely on his head.

Microsoft Is Mediocre

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Here we are with an "upgraded 'blue screen of death' ." The sad-face emoticon empathizes with the user. The original blue screen simply had no text or graphic display. This blue screen of death often results from a memory management issue for which Microsoft's operating system is infamous.

Random Access Memory (RAM) chips hold information the computer needs while executing code. Eventually that information is no longer needed and should be flushed to make room for new information that can require a large amount of RAM's capacity. Sometimes old data is not flushed from RAM, thus "short sheeting" the RAM bed. Thus: the blue screen of death. (Restarting flushes the RAM.)

Mac owners are not immune to memory management problems; yet, these occur far less frequently than those for PC users. And when they do, the application they are using will unexpectedly quit. However, the Mac OS X operating system remains open and robust.

Consider that Windoze (the software) must operate over a number of different computers (the hardware). Hardware configuration can be different, machine to machine. The Mac's operating system (software) is married to the computer (hardware). This superior 'bonding' (if you will) provides a more stable user experience.

That said, Microsoft possibly has the best operating system for PCs when comparing prior Windows iterations. Linux buffs would argue that point as to the superior operating system for PCs.

PC sales are in a negative, downward trend until you include Macs in the mix. Macintosh sales continue to climb in a financially recessive economy. No surprise there when considering Mac's superiority in function and user friendliness. There is no price advantage with a PC once you add the features and peripherals that Mac simply comes with.

Switching to Mac from PC is easy.

Optimum Optimization

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After having my OS X Lion upgrade running for several weeks I decided to check out Micromat's site for an upgrade to its Tech Tool Pro application. Their app is a full-on diagnostics tool and disk optimization utility.

I was surprised to find that my version 4 could be upgraded to version 6. How did I miss the fifth version? Somehow I did; yet, still got the $40 upgrade price. Ensuring that my Mac's volume directory is "glitch free" is vital to avoiding a hard disk drive crash caused by broken file allocation links.

In the past I have sometimes needed to repair volume structures. Monthly diagnostics keeps things easily corrected when a problem is reported.

The next step is file optimization to stitch together all fragmented files. Next I perform volume optimization to get all free space into a contiguous array. The operating system requires a specific amount of contiguous free space. Full optimization prevents continuous build-up of fragmentation that will eventually stonewall the proper function of the operating system.

Tech Tool Pro is highly rated for its solid dependability. I have used it for years and am pleased to have upgraded today.