People to Blame for the Oil Spill

As I'm sure we're all aware by now, in the year 2000, George W. Bush hatched a scheme with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney to take over the world. It involved stealing an election, faking a terrorist attack, invading Iraq, and then completely destroying the world economy. What most of us don't fully appreciate is that they also found ways to affect nature, reality, acts of God, and the Matrix. Therefore, this oil disaster makes perfect sense, because it's all part of Bush's plan to make President Obama look bad so that the Republicans can win back full control of the government and elect Bush supreme chancellor of the American Empire. Besides, Bush knows we don't actually need any more oil, because of all those huge stockpiles of oil we stole from Iraq.

Now, some truly nutty people believe that ex-President Bush is not some sort of evil mastermind, but actually an incompetent boob who wouldn't know how to "embetterfy" an unglazed donut. I know, it doesn't make sense, right? Anyway, these people can blame Bush too, because as we all know, it was his complete fuck-all idiocy that allowed safeguards to be dropped in the gulf, not to mention the Federal regulations he wrote that force all companies to put bombs on their oil rigs that could go at any time. Perhaps Bush actually believed it would be in the best interest of the country to install grenade-tipped drill bits in all the rigs, or maybe he was just duped into thinking so by that most evil of masterminds, Rush Limbaugh.

Barack Obama, upon taking office, has thus far succeeded in his plot to destroy America and install socialism in every nook and cranny of this great land. This oil spill "accident" is just another in a series of well-timed events that he is using to thwart the will of the people. The fact that he was talking about doing some more drilling in the gulf just before that rig exploded is awfully convenient, is it not? Now he can stop all drilling everywhere and claim that he does it only reluctantly, thereby ensuring that American energy be driven by his new, environmentally-safe fuel cells that run on mind control and anti-capitalist rhetoric.

And what about Obama's slow, seemingly incompetent response to the crisis that threatens several impoverished cities along the coast? Well, he's doing that for the same reason President Bush created Hurricane Katrina and steered it directly for New Orleans: he hates black people. Plus, this whole crisis keeps the press busy while the administration quietly handles other scandals. For example, there's this Sestak thing (for those who don't know, the president has admitted to sort-of offering an unpaid job to Mr. Sestak if he should choose to drop out of an election), which if you check the lawbooks, should be punishable by castration and firing squad. As we all know, offering political favors to people in your own party is right up there with child molestation, so you can see why it would be advantageous for there to be something else going on in the world. He's a clever one, that Obama.